Changing and Rearranging

I used to hate change of any sort. I have been horribly resistant and basically an all-around scaredy cat. I can't say that I am suddenly fond of change. But I have come to realize that if you never change, you never grow. I'm tired of living my life in fear of things I cannot control... and most things in life unfortunately fall into that category.

I've become a survivor. So scarred, so beaten, so broken that all I can ever seem to do is survive on a day to day basis. I have wallowed in doubt and self pity. Some days it felt like a big black cloud was hovering over my head, threatening to swallow me whole. I don't remember when I stopped planning for the future. It was a while ago. It's impossible to live life on such a short sighted basis. You miss so many things.

It's easy to start to believe that you deserve to be mistreated when you have no self esteem and have been told as much for twenty four years. It's easy to blame yourself and to lay down and take it. Maybe I'm wrong for feeling the way I do, but I feel like it's time to make a change.

There are some people in my life who have never been a friend to me. They like me when they want something, but otherwise I don't matter. I'm not a perfect person, but I've not done enough wrong in my life to deserve that kind of treatment. So I'm letting that go. I'm not even going to lament the fact that they, perhaps, are not interested in being real friends. Life is too short to focus on such insignificant negatives.
There are some people whose favorite pastime is to point out my wonderful various faults, and sometimes exaggerate them or mock me for them. I'm not doing that anymore. Maybe the way I responded made it a sort of game, made it entertaining. It won't be as funny when I walk away from the conversation without so much as a frown or even a smile.

There are some people who would give me the shirt off their back if I was truly in need. There are some people who tell me when I'm being an idiot, and commend me when I am deserving. They listen to my pointless stories. They laugh at my corny jokes. They share their wonderful, amazing lives with me, the good and the bad, and I love them for it.

Those are the kind of people I should keep close to me, close to my heart. Those are these ones to who I should hold tight and never let go. Those are my true friends.

I've made multiple mistakes in my life. I've been hardheaded and stubborn. I've ignored good advice, I've hurt people that love me, and I am genuinely sorry for that. I can't change the past, and I won't dwell on it either. The best I can do is keep my head up, keep it moving, and make a better life for my children.  That's all I have left. The rest is just extra.

Another self reflecting post. I should blog more and try to capture more of the happy moments in my life. Try to appreciate more. Maybe then all of this would be that much easier.

Til we meet again!
Alex.Is