I'm so SMRT.

I have come to a realization quite suddenly and quite recently. It's something I should have known all along, but it's something I allowed myself to forget.

I. Am. Smart.

Sounds pretty simple and easy to remember, doesn't it? There's many things about myself I had buried and forgotten. Like the fact that not only do I love to write, I am also very, very good at it.

You see, for a while now, I have had certain people in my life who would like for me to believe otherwise. And will tell me so, flat out. They will tell me and anyone who cares to listen that I am dumb, I talk too much, I don't ever know what I'm talking about, and that I am annoying.

I could never, ever be smart. And the fact that I might allow myself to actually believe such a thing is absolutely laughable.

So I believed that as I got older and had children and stopped using my intelligence on a regular basis, I got dumber and stupider.

There's a flaw in that belief, however.

I believe myself to be average. Simple-minded, even. There's nothing special about me. So everyone must be just like me.  Right?

WRONG.

I have trained several people over the last year at work. I have found myself to be a terrible trainer, and my sudden realization told me exactly why. Not everybody picks up on things as quickly as I do. Not everybody retains new knowledge as easily as I do. Not everybody has above average intelligence. And since they do not, I get frustrated and hate training. But it's not even their faults. They're just normal people.

I hate to say this because it really sounds like I'm tooting my own horn, but I have to say it because I've believed this untruth for too long. And I've allowed myself to think less of myself as a result. I'm not super model thin. I'm not movie star gorgeous. I'm average, and I wear glasses and have freckles. I have the body of a mom. I'm socially awkward and clumsy, and I'm easily depressed.

But this! This is something I can claim. It's real, and it's mine. I'm smart. I genuinely believe that, had I set my mind to it, I could have become whatever I wanted to become in my life. And I could have excelled intellectually.

However, I am a mom. I'm a proud mom. But even moms need some bit of self esteem. Something to which they can hold tight when it seems their sanity is escaping them.

Maybe that's why I'm so depressed all the time. Lack of mental stimulation. I used to be smart. Advanced classes. Straight A student. And I've let myself become boring and average. What a pity! One should never do that to oneself. We should all embrace that one thing that is ours, our skill, our talent, our right. We should never allow someone to make us feel like less of a person for it. And that's what I've been doing. Hiding and suppressing my intelligence for the comfort of others. Now that is stupidity.

My little girl is brilliant. Absolutely gifted. I can tell already. My son is a much more leisurely learner. He'll probably be gifted at sports, like his father. I guess time will tell. But I feel like I need to embrace this part of me so that my daughter will be able to do the same as she gets older. She's going to be a nerdy girl like me. I can see that so very easily. Looks, acts, talks, laughs just like her mother. A smaller, better version of her mother. I can't wait to see the person she becomes.

Some people are beautiful.

Some people are musically talented.

Some people are amazing athletes.

Some people are leaders.

Me? I'm a smart girl. A nerd, if you will.

And I am finally, finally proud of it.

Xoxo,
Alex.Is